•Keep on the subject. Don’t add many more topics; it confuses issues.

•Don’t name call.

•Use “I” statements: e.g., “I feel ____________(name the emotion) when you______________(name their behavior).” Saying “I feel that...” is not a feeling. It is a thought, assessment or judgment, usually about the other person. This is not an “I” statement.

•Stay in the present. Don’t use past information to dig at the other person.

•Avoid sarcasm at all costs. Sarcasm is not funny. It creates mistrust.

•LISTEN: Repeat back to the other what you heard or understood.

• Be aware of your body language.

•Avoid using words like ALWAYS /NEVER /EVERY TIME / EVERYTHING/, etc. Things are always changing. These words do not allow for this change—or the possibility of change to occur.

•If you are too angry to do the above, take a break from your partner. Say you need a break and name a time when you’ll be back to check in. Be specific. Then DO check back in. If you are still not ready to discuss the charged topic, then make another check-in time. Maybe you’ll have to try this talk again tomorrow. Be sure to check in the next day if that if what you agreed to do.

•Say what you know. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Keep your word.

•Find out what you do not know. (Be curious) Do not make up stories (assume). If you do make up stories (as we all do), check them out with the other person. Then chose to believe your partner, unless there is proof otherwise.

• The “I’m just being honest” trap. Kind honesty has the following aspects. Check within yourself to see if what you have to say is the following:

                                          True.     Clear      Kind      Useful

•Be able to identify your own “reactivity” as compared to your “ability to respond” to what is called for in this situation with your partner.

•Take responsibility for your part in this upset.

Don’t process after 10:00 pm, or when too hungry, or when drinking.